Not All Those Who Wandah

My sister Susan is an absolutely stellar story teller. As she and her husband, Tom, escape the Ontario winters by travelling in their camper van, Susan regales our family with entertaining, “Not All Those Who Wandah…” stories. I admire their thirst for adventure, and her stories make us all laugh out loud and wonder with awe as she makes us feel we are there, having fun right along with them.

Susan has graciously agreed to share her latest message including some relationship advice, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Not All Those Who Wandah Know Some Books Are Best Left Unread

While driving along a state highway the other day I saw a billboard that read “Learn How To Love Your Marriage – Growing Your Relationship”. Someone offering a book on learning how to love your marriage?? Really? There is a manual for that? I’m not sure about you, but I think the majority of us learn how to love our marriage and grow our relationships purely by trial and error.

The Relationship Road is rarely laid out in perfect order in front of us, and even the best laid plans get shot to Hell the minute you think you know what you are doing. For example, I remember when our kids were little and our days and evenings were taken up with getting breakfasts, checking homework, making lunches, making dinners, figuring out which of us was driving to skating lessons, piano lessons, brownies, cubs, birthday parties…and whose turn it was to stop for groceries/gas/dinner/school project supplies? It was a crazy, busy, harried time, and we were stretched in every way, but that was life. We made it up as we went along. It required both of us, working together, to make sure everything was covered. A bit like a game of Whack-A-Mole…clearing away one crisis before the next one popped up, or hoping to plug the dam on one side before the water came bursting through the other. Were we consciously loving our marriage? Let’s just say that if we got to the end of the day with no one missing a limb (or missing in general) we called it a win and moved on. Would a relationship handbook have been helpful? Possibly, but who would have had the time to read it?

Relationships don’t come with a manual. What works for some couples probably doesn’t work for others. Knowing when to give in, when to give up, when to insist, and when to let go doesn’t come instinctually to most of us. We have to try a variety of things to see what works best. It’s never going to be an exact science. A compromised balance is the best we can hope for.  Basically, we all have to decide which hills we are willing to die on, and from which we are willing to walk away.

Had I been asked to offer input into the aforementioned book, I would have suggested a chapter called “Staying in Love While On Vacation”, subtitled “How Not To Kill Each Other While Roadtripping In A Small Westfalia Van”. Nothing grows (or tests) a relationship quite like two people living for 3 months in a space the size of a large doghouse. It takes some well managed “give and take” to keep this party going. Oh, and patience. And also a high tolerance for snoring. And the ability to weather the weather, whatever the weather (whether you like it or not). Even as I’m writing this, we are on day 3 of rain. That’s 3 days of being stuck inside, with each other, 24/7. Oh, and it’s 9 degrees outside. If you can be holed up together in the rain and the cold and still look forward to tomorrow, you don’t need a book to tell you how to grow your relationship.

If we had been offered a course in How To Love Our Marriage at the beginning of this journey I can’t say whether we would have taken anyone up on the offer. We’d have surely arrived at the same point in our relationship, no doubt, but it might have meant bypassing the twists, turns, messiness, and surprises that living life together throws your way. Some things are better figured out on their own. Growing a relationship is hard work and takes effort. Book smarts will only get you so far. The rest of it has to be learned on the playing field.

Thank you, Susan, for sharing your oh, so creative writing!

Happy Valentine’s Day!